Connecting with our children.
Our previous Parent Discussion Group was on Connecting with our Children. A small group of us came together to discuss this all important topic which resulted in a rich conversation and sharing.
The question we all have is – What exactly is connection? And how do we do this effectively?
As a start, the golden rule in connection is ‘being real’. Being real simply means being honest and truthful – it’s not about divulging the details of all that’s going on for you to your children because that would be inappropriate. But it is about being real about how you feel and allowing them the space to also learn to deal with how they feel.
What I love about children is they are naturally very perceptive. They feel absolutely everything. And, they are also very flexible and have a capacity to be able to adjust and adhere to changes when they are supported. So, given the fact that children are feeling it all, have you ever tried to cover up how you are feeling, with the best intentions of trying to protect your children? An example could be, Mum and Dad are having an argument but doing their best to keep it away from the children. One child asks ‘Daddy, are you and Mummy angry with each other?’. Dad responds ‘No of course not, don’t be silly, everything’s fine darling’. In this moment, the child learns that what they perceived was wrong and silly – even though they were absolutely correct. When this happens repeatedly (and like I said, the intention on our part as parents is very genuine) the child starts to mistrust what they are constantly perceiving…and it also forms a bit of a layer between you and the child.
An alternative response could be one that confirms what the child has felt – ‘yes darling, we are a bit upset with each other at the moment but we are doing our best to work through it. So you don’t need to worry.’ The child may feel upset about that but better this, and learning how to deal with this as a life-long tool, than setting out on a life-long trajectory of questioning and doubting themselves.
We also discussed that the old adage of Quality over Quantity is like a golden thread that weaves it’s way through real and true connection. A 10 minute conversation that brings absolute presence can carry more weight in gold than an entire day at Luna Park! All children want is our presence. In other words they long for connection. If your child shows you a drawing, stop and be curious. ‘Tell me what this red is about?’ ‘And I’d love to know why the grass is blue’. Telling them that it’s ‘beautiful’ and the ‘best picture ever’ may sound good but there’s no connection in this – no curiosity or enquiry into who they are. And this is what they long for.
We also talked about the art of repairing. As parents we are not always right and sometimes we go a bit off track and kids feel it all. There’s an old belief that still filters through where we think we shouldn’t apologise to children, perhaps seeing it as a loss of power or something like that? And similarly, it’s certainly not about giving ourselves a hard time, this is always counterproductive – but you watch a child melt when you are honest and admit something that wasn’t quite right. For example ‘I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier sweetheart, that wasn’t ok. Next time I’ll try to communicate better.’ This in itself builds trust and in turn gives them permission to be honest about how they feel. This is teaching responsibility. Absolute GOLD.
Honesty, transparency and a willingness to not feel like you have it all together, to be wrong sometimes and being ok with admitting this and most of all, just being your very real self is an essential foundation for real and true connection with your child. The activity or the ‘doing’ with them is a conduit and connection is easy and a joy and super natural when these qualities are already in your everyday relationship.
By Sara Harris
First Aid & Well-being