I attended a presentation this week by Maggie Dent on Raising Boys. It was interesting and insightful yet being familiar with raising boys it was mostly confirming. Boys are fundamentally and physically different to girls – in the way they think and approach life as well as physical features, development and hormonal responses. However, their level of sensitivity is no different to girls. Innately, all boys are deeply caring and supportive and they feel everything. We need to nurture these qualities in them as they grow and develop from beautiful boys to beautiful young men.
It is changing, but as a society we can still tend to hold boys in a certain light and girls in another. We pay more attention to the sensitivity of girls (which can sometimes unintentionally be condescending) and we expect boys to get over things, to toughen up and to just carry on.
Yes boys can be more physical in their approach and they like to find their own way with things. Maggie described boys as being very spacial in their approach to life.
Steve Biddulph, author of Raising Boys, has stated that boys are more ‘prone to separation distress, anxiety and can become emotionally shut down as a result of feeling abandoned.’ To which Maggie added, that a boy who experiences a lack of physical and emotional nurturing has the potential to lead down the path of unhealthy relationships and male adolescent violence.
Maggie suggests an approach to ‘mothering’ boys that emanates warmth, fairness, firmness and fun. As opposed to cold, distant and absent or on the other end of the spectrum, a ‘smother mother’. She pointed out that being a smother mother does not constitute showering them with love, hugs and kisses, all of that is on point – it’s referring more to the tendency for a mother to be completely consumed in their child’s life, covering absolutely all bases, being all pervasive and leaving no space for the autonomy of this growing human.
There’s so much to say on this subject and more needs to be said as the sensitivity of our boys needs to be nurtured and deeply cherished. Ultimately, what it comes down to is connection. Boys notice everything and the beautiful thing is, they don’t tend to hold a grudge. They tend to lap love up pretty quickly.
Some suggestions for simple micro-connections throughout the day:
- Forget trying to get them to re-lay everything that happened at school that day! They are still processing it all. Instead, you could simply say ‘Hey…missed you today!’ and let it all unfold from there. Boys don’t like pressure!
- Play a game of Hi’s and Low’s – you each share you best and worst part of the day. A good dinner time conversation and this is where the days events can start to come out, if they haven’t already:)
- Bedtime rituals are essential – cuddles (even when you think they’re too old!), tucking in games, how much you love them games (more than all the stars, more than all the hairs on the bears, etc)
- Allow space – being too busy means they will internalise or act out rather than having the space to express how they feel or share what’s going on for them.
- Spontaneous hugs and gentle back rubs
- Be playful!!!
It was a valuable and entertaining presentation, yet also brought home for me the ever-present message that our connection with ourselves is paramount in parenting. All the tips and techniques in the world will mean nothing in the end without this connection as our foundation. A relationship with who we are, being honest and bringing a very loving understanding to ourselves and each other is essential in being able to bring this to our beautiful boys as they grow into beautiful young men. And as a very wise friend once reminded me, love is greater than physical presence…so all of the above is about quality and not quantity.
*TPS Boys Groups will be starting this term.
Sara Harris (First Aid & Well-being)